Alex Ansary's Blog

Unique experiences, insights, and perspectives of Alex Ansary

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Update on Homeless Living in Portland, Oregon - July 27th 2014

I believe that a brief update is due on my experience living in my truck, in Portland, Oregon.

I have now produced 3 episodes of OTBTV (videos embedded at end of blog and #3 is on it's way tonight) and look forward to my next episode which will look closer at current corruption in Portland as there are several stories out there locally that need greater exposure like G4s Security's contract with the city including their involvement in HSBC, the global banking firm that has been caught red-handed doing business with drug cartels in Mexico. There is actually a great deal of local stories that need much more attention that any local truly passionate about the livability of their city's future should be aware of.

For now, the suffering and abject pain has continued.  I sleep each night in my truck, usually in a different part of Portland. Sometimes I will return to the same park or same spot but have found that this is not the wisest thing to due although it can seem more restful to lay one's head down in an area in which one is comfortable and able to relax within. This is very difficult to do when sleeping in awkward positions, without a real mattress, with intense high voltage street lighting all around and very few places available to get away from it.

With Portland's population booming with no current slowdown in sight, there are also fewer spots to park in a land where most of the cars are imported hybrid cars, obviously owned by people that can afford to make car payments and work a job capable of paying for the outrageous rent levels now creeping up on this once livable town.

What readers of mine and viewers forget or don't seem to show awareness of is how unnerving of an experience it is for 'old and new Portlanders alike' to see a middle aged or young man sleeping in his truck outside or near their home. Portland is a hub for sex trafficking and other 'person on person' crimes (of which OTBTV will be doing a report on soon) and so homeless people (in particular MEN) are often feared on a primal level if they don't already know them to be SAFE. A mother's innate natural instinct to protect her children (there is nothing wrong that) can lead someone to unjustly fear someone that means them no harm, someone that in fact has dedicated their life to making this world a better place. That is what makes my experience hyper unique. So I live in fear of frightening others, another form of rejection and so I work hard to find places, dark spots with limited light so I can not be seen (and that includes places where I don't have to see inside the house or a brightly lit porch, a another rare thing to find in populated Portland).

 And I have have to travel on many side streets (block after block) using gasoline in order to do so and have yet to find something peaceful enough to return to where I feel that I can remain hidden. There is no doubt that I am seen by the early morning bikers and joggers of SE Portland when I am sleeping and there is full light outside. It is then easy to see into this truck canopy and it is also easy for me to see what has become of my life following years of media activism.

Then there is the situation of my dirty laundry, collapse boxes holding a few things destroyed by being around in the back as the truck takes its turns around corners. And then there is the story of urinating into a bottle during the late hours (who wants to see me pissing in front of a house, thats disrespectful and rude), forgetting to cap it, and driving around town the next day and then...well you get the picture and it wasn't a bright, rose smelling one.  A picture you perhaps could have lived without. At least I sparred you the story about having to relieve my bodes functions late into the night (2 months ago) when all the park restrooms are closed (Since then my body seems to have adjusted to not having to do that ever again and it hasn't happened since. The shame was too great to allow it, for now). Whoops! Too late....

But there is more and I ask that you stay with me on this one...

I am constantly starred at (and I'm not seeing smiles but wider looking eyes of fast animalistic analysis) and I believe this is for various reasons and I have had years of feedback from others on what they perceive. It is also very clear that many are not able to have empathy for what it is like in my shoes. Let me begin here with a brief statement.

Whatever your opinion is of me or my appearance, in real life, (outside of Youtube, Facebook and other places on the internet where you may have found me), it is clear to me that the people that I come into contact with in the so-called civilized 'progressive' world are people that seem to show visible signs (though body language and the behavior of invasive, intrusive starring) that they know that my body is one that hails from a foreign land (or half of me, that is).

It's actually an amazing story, my personal life story, yet what people don't understand or know (even if it seems intriguing) can seem frightening or threatening (especially if they have been programmed into the old game of the illusion of separation). What does that mean for new readers? They perceive themselves as separate from others that don't look like them or who are not in their social circle. The very definition of tribalism fits this closely and that is the hottest religion in Portland.

I'm experiencing all of this (at a time) when quite a few people in our world (and our communities) have been brainwashed into some form of inclination of thought that closely resembles a 'master race ideology' even if they are operating out of that subconsciously (unknowingly) due to either propaganda or through the biological imperative in their DNA to kill, rape and destroy that which is deemed to be outside their tribe, a blueprint that exists in the world of the unconscious fragments of man/womankind.

Unconscious man/woman (whatever one's color or origins) has the capacity to fall into this level of animality.

Conscious man/woman (whatever one's color or origins) has the capacity to express a higher version of themselves (which I believe includes evolving beyond the dominate energies of this planet involved in control, suppressive, deception, the violation of free will and more).  More things might be a test in this life than meets the eye. Of this, I am certain.

While the public and my viewers (by and large) see this perception of mine as a flawed one (based on their perceptions of my origins), I have meet countless people that have told me how Persian I do look and Im talking about ALL throughout the course of my life, going back to elementary school and onwards but even prior to schooling, I was well aware of how different I was, being exposed to negative stories about my father and the people from this region of this world. Through one side of the family I was educated on how different I was due to this BLOODLINE I hailed from.

However, to some its assumed Im Spanish or Italian or something else and in my life story Ill discuss the discrimination or judgment I felt from hispanics in Dallas, TX that treated and looked at me as if I had 'something they didn't'.  Later it became clear to me through my own common sense (and others explaining to me the local racial tension issues between the 'Spanish' and 'Mexicans' and its not a pretty story of what the Spanish have done to that land, including the native americans in pre-America. Thus, in this case, my lighter skin tone led some Dallas hispanics to assume that I was a well to do (I would often wear pressed shirts and slacks) Spanish man with 'something they didn't have,' a form of mental illness and psychosis that has lead many to resent others that are entirely innocent of wrongdoing, thievery, racism, or other.

I have been asked thousands of time (with pure fascination) where I am from, specifically my parents. They just can't put their finger on it (but they would like to) because apparently its very important to them to know where this seed hails from.  Its clear. Every second of every day, it's clear. More clear than the 5 letters that make of the word C-L-E-A-R that I type to you now. Yes, CLEARER than even this word in bold. I now have plans to point to the stars in response.  

But what is clear is that I'm not the only one of mixed race on this planet that has faced a sense of alienation from aspects of society (not only white) that seem hesitant to trust people that seem different than them. Talk to people mixed with both black and caucasian genes then come back to me with a      "it's all in your head" lecture.  This is actually a huge topic that is more suited for an autobiography and for now, what I am experiencing is almost completely falling on deaf ears.  Yet,  few have a problem seeing the racism taking place towards the people living in Gaza right now, people that I feel..I look a great deal like me actually.  It is like living in a twilight zone movie plot when people are screaming about injustice, homeless issues and externalizing blame towards the ruling institutions of the day when someone is left on the streets that has dedicated their life (and accepted the risks that go with it) to speak out against the evil forces behind those very rulers of the controlling and sadistic institutions.

Starring in my direction has other causes (and roots)....

Sometimes it's a sense of my existence being a threat.  I do not obsess about fitness and actually wish I had a gym to train at right now that I enjoy, however I do have a body that seems to stay in a certain shape (at least for now) and I rarely move beyond 3 pounds of 167lbs (up or down) and this has been the case, at least since I was 18 years old (with only a few exceptions).  I have been blessed with a fair amount of physical strength, beauty and intelligence and I have a intense desire to know and experience a greater degree of true spirituality (as well as understanding and true self realization and fulfillment) in my life. I have also trained in the fighting arts off and on most of my life and Im my own best trainer and motivator and I recognize the face of a warrior when I see one when I see myself in the mirror, either with clothes or without, I understand my body is capable of profound protection of this temple as it has protected it VERY well as these years (and kept potential predators at bay that aren't sure they can take me down). All of this and more I have experienced since I quantum-leaped from the womb in 1980, warming the region up for the Mount St. Helens eruption that would follow just miles and months afterwards. Coincidence? Yes, quite a interesting one in fact.

So I know that this can be threatening to people that see me a healthy body or chest as a threat or are concerned their girlfriend will look at me or that I will look at their girlfriend. There are also a fair amount of skinny, weak and boney looking hipsters in town that enjoy their body types of 'whiter, taller and skinner' and I accept them for them for who they are and what their genetics express. I am more concerned with the nature of one's soul and content of their character and nature of their actions than what their biological space suit represents. I only wish they chose to look at me the same way, including the good i have done through my media activism, a general term I have used for years to define what I do, although there are others, and Im not going to limit myself to a box of self description of either myself or my show and it's all still in a constant state of evolution, like the world, like the universe itself.

However, it seems to be believed that if you have a fit body or have intense features, that you intend it to be that way or that you are vain. Or that you could be capable of sexually assaulting someone because you're muscle tone appears threatening instead of attractive.  I have been told by a ex girlfriend that at one point was very sexually attracted to me that responded to my feelings that other people fear me with a honest reply...

"Well, dude, you are really intense looking."

This in and of itself hurt because when I look at Afghans, I see intense people with glowing eyes in pictures from Afghanistan. The famous national geographic photo of the Afghan refuge in 1980s Afghanistan is a perfect example and it touched the world, at a time when Americans acted as if they had genuine concern for people from this region of the earth. Few people have forgotten that picture of the refuge girl.  The Afghans only had a sense of support when it was politically correct to do so. They have since been deemed harborers of the Taliban and Osama Bin Laden (both falsehoods when in fact the Afghans have been held hostage in their own country to this day) and so few speak for them or about them, even if others are speaking for Gaza, Iraq, Syria, Libya, or other countries. The people of Afghanistan take the ultimate backseat and this is undisrupted fact. The propaganda that Afghans did 911 has profoundly affected the way Americans (and the Western World) see Persian looking men (including olive skinned men of a particular tone in conjunction with specific facial features including nose size and shape).  Just 2 months ago, a black man in North Portland that recognized me said that the colored folks need to stick together, including the hook-noses of the world, making reference to ME. He has since been corrected on his use of language and this is yet another person in Portland that claims to support my work, yet still harbors a very distasteful and disrespectful way of speaking to others.

What people fail to understand that charge me with having "intense" features is that it's actually genetic for me to have those features.  Have you meet my father? Have you seen my father? Have you been in a argument with my father?

No, no you haven't. None of you have. And unless you have seen what my father looks like, you would be amazing (and happy for me) that I have NOT ended up looking as ethnic, angry, and intense as him. In fact, I have a beautiful blend of both my fathers genes and my mothers beautiful gene's whose european roots are in Austria, like many of Americans that seem me as outside their 'tribe.' All due to a intense look to me that is seem as more a character defect than a genetic trait (to the naive) that I can do not only little about, but a trait that might show itself more as I naturally age and become a older male. Add balding and other forms of aging and you have a slightly different human image coming into being and my personal safety could be jeopardized in the years ahead if the governments take their assaults on my kind to the next level and start physically targeting those living within America that are speaking of issues that they would rather they not speak of.

To date, I am the only American of Afghan origin that  does what he does PUBLICALLY (youtube, online radio, access tv, blogs, street activism) and no one in the international community has discovered this to date and I welcome making new alliances world-wide when the the opportunity presents itself and have aspirations towards documentary filmmaking that is  featured in multiple languages, specifically Persian,  Arabic, Spanish, Chinese, Russian, French, and many more. 

Therefore, I feel day to day that I'm being punished by your society and city for looking the way I do and that is the racist element that I sense whether those fearing me know this consciously or not. Their very hesitation around such features is cause for alarm now in my body and thus my sense of survival is not in a peaceful or hopeful state. It's threatening, in fact.

  Every day the true level of consciousness of the planet and those in my community are revealed to me in new and profound ways. And its the part of me that is a victor, not a victim is the part of me that knows that I am going through this experience in order to speak about it as what is happening to me has happened to others, is happening and will continue to.

GAZA Anyone? Great, I was thinking I lost you and had to bring you BACK to a center point that maybe you MIGHT understand, if you can't visualize my experience of social isolation or accurately perceive truly why it may be taking place.

On another note, some women that do find me attractive don't seem to be able to express a smile to go along with that, so more mixed signals are sent. There are also many that might be upset they are not being flirted with or checked out. We will address the 'plastic goddess archetype' another day.  But what cannot be denied is the level of fear that does exist in today's society of those outside the perceived tribe. There is great fear in the cities of America at this time yet there is still great ignorance of the larger systems of control socially engineering society today.

The other main reason that most everyone forgets is that I was on the air (cable access television) for over  six years in Portland, Oregon between the years 2005 and 2011. I was well known at one point as a unique contrarian, thinker, activist, radical, journalist, many names have been used to describe what I do on 'Outside the Box TV.' Of course, the show was named that way on purpose, not by accident. It was done to preserve the independent streak or nature of the show so I could maintain flexibility on the topics covered and also stay 'out of a box' to  define myself even though box identification is so important to people these days, especially (in their mind) if you are to be understood or trusted. Well, a lot of people don't appreciate the existence of people like me and in fact are told by the mainstream media that we are the ones that are dangerous to this country.   That is the world I live in. A world where some people that don't like me or hate me, pass by me in the street and they glare at me.  This experience was overwhelming at one point and I left Portland in 2011 for various reasons including a search for a better life and more happiness.

Well, I have returned after 2.5 years away (returned in March 2014) even though I said I would NEVER do this. I did this for a reason. I felt that my work was not completed. I took the feedback seriously from the viewers who said that my show was very much appreciated by them (including the youtube videos chronicling my travels, challenges, insights and experiences).  After a brief stop in Kansas City, Missouri, it became clear to me that the time was ripe for a return to Portland for the specific reason of resuming my cable access tv show. The value of that studio is immense and I have come across no other workspace as welcoming to me than PCMTV in all my days and so I did return to what was familiar to me, although I have returned to  a city that has morphed into a even darker version of the Portland I once knew.

Words cannot fully describe (although I attempt to do so briefly with this blog post) what it is like for various factors to be blended together.  Being homeless in my hometown, a hometown without family, a hometown in which I was on the air for several years, a hometown in which I used to be able to find work, a hometown in which no one that asked me when I was coming back to Portland has room for me to stay.  There are so many factors at play at this time. I will not elaborate on all of them or mention all of them. I have only shared a portion with the public but I have shared a great deal already in the youtube videos. However, I am fully aware that my emotional expressions, mannerisms, and style of "no nonsense" scares some people off, including women and that adds to the painful experience.

And this is a survival experience of the mind, body and spirit. It's a survival episode on every level and I'm on training wheels now. The cold night air is already being felt. The return "polar vortex" this week is bringing lower than normal temperatures to parts of this planet and at certain hours of the night, it can be felt and the body goes into a light shaking mode. Also cold sweat from the previous nights bake in the head adds much to the cold factor when the wind comes in.  And I know that winter is a time that some homeless freeze to death and there is no real insulation to the flimsy rain cover (that leaks) that is screwed on top of the bed of my mid 80s truck that looks like it gets better mileage than it actually does.

I am ending this post now because there is so much more to say and this is not the time for it. What will be said is that I haven't given up and that I work to stay out of a  victim mindset as I understand the universe somehow has allowed this experience in my life. And from my past experiences, I understand the wisdom that has been accrued and much of the early experiences in my life (and perhaps beyond) lead to......... OTBTV. And in this current incarnation of the show, there is so much more to show and tell without holding back what I really think is going on. Therefore, I will keep pushing forward but in order to do so, I need to openly share parts of what is happening in my life. Meanwhile, Im trying to find places to get out of the public eye. Now I am both homeless and being starred at more. I have no escape from chemtrails/geo-engineering, noise pollution, lack of sleep, and generally living a embarrassing life in a world where people will (out of one side of their mouth) denounce the government and cry economic meltdown and scream supposedly in favor of the homeless being affected by this while (out of the other side of their mouth) ignoring drug free, honest, caring people in their community that need the simplest of help such as a place to bath, clean clothes, work, or other. If something comes to mind, run it by me including small business ideas, job offers (direct from you are someone you know), or other off the grid ideas. Yes, I still dream of the simple life and vow to live it again one day in it's fullest potential.

We will continue this another time. Keep in mind that I kept this brief and there is a lot more to this story as well as what Portland is turning into, a place I felt I needed to come back to, in order to serve the greater good by resuming my local program regardless of the degree of absolute poverty (but only of the body) that I am living in.   My email is and sometimes emails don't get to me. My backup email is I have no current mailing address or phone.

(Follow-up Update: 1 Hour after posting this, another producer at PCMTV said "Alex, you are too intense! Stop looking at that monitor" as I am currently editing last nights show and getting ready to upload it). This is a prime example of how something looks one way to one person when in reality there may be no intensity about it, as there certain wasn't at that moment I was transferring files and operating in out of left brain). This is what I face everyday and it makes me concerned for my safety and future and I grow older and the world becomes more hateful towards those with "that look" that is entirely genetic and no less valuable to or than your body).




Wednesday, May 21, 2014

No Place to Run, No Place to Hide


There is a challenge in bringing to light the words that describe (in full color) just what it's like to have no place to retreat to for prolonged periods of time and what it feels like to live with a sense of ongoing rejection from most all tentacles of society today. It is profoundly deep of an experience to experience. Fortunately for me, I have a determination to understand this experience fully, learn from it, and speak from it. I feel a great sense of responsibility to share my story as it also shines light and awareness of the situations that many others are experiencing...others that might not be utilizing their voice (for whatever reason).

This blog features the word 'YOU' often. This is because this experience can happen to any of YOU and my life (and the lives of so many others) serves as a reminder of that. After all, it is true that I am capable, intelligent, and so much more. This is more than a wild rumor posted on a crusty web page with graphics from the 1990s. Yes, I can confirm that this fact...a fact. I'm an asset to quite a few people in this earthly domain and possibly beyond. Is it then normal for me to have to 'get back in line' and 'sell myself' to 'society' in order to 'survive'?  Yet,  I am still living this experience (day to day) of being rejected (ongoing) by society wholeheartedly (or shall I say brokenheartedly) as I try to get back 'in line' like a 'good citizen/consumer' of worldly things (big and small).  

Only in hell can this way of life be considered 'normal.'  Only to those that are 'well adjusted' to living a life socially engineered by an energetic environment shaped by the seen and unseen of prison walls (and forces of darkness) which surround and influence them inside and out can see any of this is as 'sane.' Only a soul just getting out of another deeper, darker form of hell could consider this domain paradise in light of the mass of human suffering happening right now at the hands of other human beings. Instead of mistaking this for paradise, some of us are feeling like we are scrapping at the outer edge of human perception and insight in order to discover the truthful methods of escaping it that do not result in us running in circles with a blindfold on. Despite the distractions and programming that have descended upon mankind throughout time, fractals of humanity often stumble upon philosophies written throughout our perception of time that often point towards themes like truth, morality and other themes that relate to our soul's evolution in this spiritual / biological matrix.

Perhaps it is 'I' that has rejected the worldliness of this world and that is why I have found myself here in this situation. I often contemplate the idea that my higher self and this worldly world have gone in different directions (quite some time ago) yet somehow we are still married in some way (cosmically). Our divorce papers in the heavens are apparently 'still under review' or have been rejected without so much as a letter of explanation being sent my way. I still have feelings for the future of this world even if aspects of the biological life residing here at this time (other so-called humans) care not whether I live or die on their streets. However, I have found that the world is not short of it's signs, even (if at times) they point in different directions at once or seem to be in disagreement. I've also found that not all things are as they appear to be or are as they initially seem. It must be for a reason that I came back to a place such as this for this ongoing urban survival adventure, a place I swore I would never return to (under such conditions). Seriously, where is my butler? That was a joke for people that think I'm expecting some “royal treatment”. Think that list is short? I do not believe that it is. 

There must be something to learn here that is most profound of all the profound truths found within this compound molecule of the matrix I find myself  trapped in and swimming alongside it's walls using what sensory apparatus I have to detect clues and/or instructions on how to escape it (while mustering the strength to speak of it and face the social consequences). I mean 'What The Frock!!!' (multiplied by an arbitrary large random number). Perhaps I am NOT the only one that has certain things to learn from this experience in this unusual earthly realm. One that, at times, I have perceived myself to be sentenced to for a unknown period of time. At least, as far as we currently understand time to be. 

For now, I will paint a basic picture in the mind's eye of some of the ways it might feel to have no place to run to and no place to hide. I feel that there is great purpose and meaning to sharing what it is that I feel about the selfish state of society today and what that says about the level of consciousness in the modern world. Some people don't like the truth, but for others (and most of you), it is healing, revealing, and relieving to hear (in a world gone stark raving mad).  A rare case of sanity expressing itself is very attractive to those with their senses tuned in enough to recognize it when it appears before them. 


When YOU have no place to go, you might find yourself driving longer distances in YOUr car or truck (or walking by foot) just to politely avoid intruding on the lives of others. YOU don't want to be seen, be a pest, or nuisance. YOU want YOUr dignity. YOU are trying to survive, stay alive, and NOT make the world see YOU as YOU do it. No. YOU are not like the OTHERS. YOU are different. YOU have dignity. YOU want YOUr space. YOU aren't the 'type' to invade the space of others and start taking parking spaces for YOUr own survival. YOU aren't begging for a handout. YOU are trying really hard to be a adult about this. A teacher, a warrior, a seer, and so much more. YOU want to be left alone and to leave others alone in a world where there is little show of mutual respect amongst it's temporary occupants. 

As someone that wants to be a good example for the world, YOU spend a great deal of time walking or driving in order to find a way to get away from the masses so everyone can have their dignity and peace. A real 'cake and eat it too' happy reality (with enough to go around, the irony right?) a reality where the people without a place to go or hide are not seen and thus not bothering the faction of humans that currently (or are in a position to have) shelter, and/ore loved ones. “No sir, no ma’am, after you both, seriously, I insist.” Nod and smile as YOU take your smack from life with gratitude as society expects of YOU. This was said with a intended tone of seriousness despite the sarcastic tone not to mention the pure insanity of living a life making a bowing pose to the rushing behavior of others living the ultimate entitlement “prince/ princess” paradigm that doesn't want to see, know, or  care about those suffering around them. Accept a smack from life? Yes! that does seem to be apart of the program, to turn one's cheek. But what program? Never mind. Don't YOU ask questions YOU. Then YOU might find another reason YOU are in this situation. YOU ask questions to things YOU should NOT ask! (Ok direct sarcastic overtones are being implied now).

YOU have to pay for the experience of moving your car from place to place but YOU try so hard to be super polite to others that drive new hybrid cars that they are privileged enough to be able to drive a vehicle that gets maybe 4-5 times the gas milage that YOU do in YOUR cheap, old truck that YOU live in. The irony, when YOU seemingly need the discount in gas expenses more than them and YOU pay extra to drive to find places to hide YOUrself from them and them from YOU. Maybe they can help YOU get away from them? Only in a perfect world. When YOU turn down narrow residential streets (as YOU attempt to get away from people having to see your existence or your life) let the newer hybrid vehicles pass YOU. Back out of the street when they are coming at YOU in those narrow streets that only allow for one car at a time to pass. Let those with the newer cars pass and bow slowly as YOU do so with a slow drawn out gesture with YOUr hand hanging outside the truck. However doing so directly to the drivers might cause alarm and confusion (the kindness might be frightening, unknown and thus threatening) and YOU don't want that, YOU are trying to hide. YOU just want the best for everyone. YOU're a good person and that's why you are in the shoes you are in because you incarnated into a hell realm because YOU fell from above. The how and why of it shall be revealed on it's own schedule. There are still more questions than answers but in the question lies the answer.

YOU think about your food intake and the amount of walking you have done. YOU want to make sure YOU eat enough but not more than YOU can afford to eat. So YOU eat small but YOU walk a lot. This is because you cannot just stay in one place. It helps to stay on the move and it's not economically viable to drive from place to place all of the time no matter how much YOU might want to run away from others because YOU are so ashamed of YOUr situation that so few want to help YOU with. Sure, it's a lot to deal with (all the energies of the people around YOU) when you walk up or down the street but it's good for YOUr health, unless of course, YOU have blisters and sores on YOUr feet from walking long distances on concrete in YOUr sandals. Even if YOU do have feet weakened by the realities of the hard road (no pun intended), YOU just walk on anyways accepting the pain. After all, it's just a extension of a greater pain in YOUr heart and how the world has received YOU and YOUr message. YOU are just making the best of a complicated situation.

YOU live in a simple world of walking, reading, mediation, prayer, and logging in and off from the internet every now and again to see if today you are still forgotten by the masses or if something glitched in the matrix and you have been remembered again. You wait patiently for the matrix to show you a sign or give you a lead. "Universe/God what is the next step for me" YOU might ask YOUrself. YOU have seen it's syncronistic power. YOU wait and YOU pray for the universe to work through one of the thousands of people that know YOU and the good YOU have done for others. 

YOU used to wonder why people don't make eye contact. Now YOU understand as YOU YOUrself avoid eye contact. YOU are ashamed. YOU are afraid. YOU are lonely. And this time...YOU don't want THEM to see the weakness in YOU, the sadness in YOU, the pain in YOU because YOU have already been rejected by society and now your public status makes YOU an untouchable to so many concerned that if they help YOU, they will lose something by allowing (what they fear is a parasite) to attach to themselves. They are concerned they will lose something if they help YOU, they fail to see how they will gain in any way, karmically or other. Their imagination does NOT allow it. Their 'systematic perceptional failure' to distinguish between potential friend versus a parasite (of sorts) is YOUr moment to moment reminder of the level of consciousness in those of your social circle (or whatever circle YOU have left upon going fully public with the fact that YOU don't have a home and that YOU could use some 'help').

As you walk now through the soiled streets of the modern Babylon, YOU remember to wear sunglasses to shield your inner energy and essence from the vampires of the daylight that show visible surprise, alarm, confusion, or fear when walking past a being of light as powerful as YOU for YOUR eyes may NOT be normal as it seems to the uninitiated or unaccustomed. What society does not understand it fears and rejects like a poison to the body and YOU understand what this feels like for people to fear YOU. YOU now fully know what it means like to be so different (and to look so different) that you make others nervous, others than you wished cared for your existence and continuation of life. The shiny white glow of YOUr powerful beams (called eyes) are not for all eyes. YOU might have a special gift in those beams others fear could be used as weapons (of light). So guardYOUr beams carefully for a time may come when YOUr gifts are needed by this society, not feared. YOU are on the hunt (of all hunts) for the meaning behind this reality (simulated or not) that YOU find YOUrself aware of. Keep looking for clues. What does all of this mean and have to teach YOU about the world that either YOU didn't already know (or forgot).

YOU may have already seen the world differently but now YOU really see the world more clearly and 'as it is' not as YOU (or others) might like to see it. It is a world YOU cannot escape, shield, or hide from unless you are asleep in dreamland (and that is another world of simulated interest that we still do not fully understand). This is a world YOU are looking at 'up close' with perfect focus and YOU do not have the luxuries of turning YOUr head away from 'reality as it is'. YOU have no choice but to find peace in your circumstances and not become another product of your environment.

YOU have been cosmically strapped in for this long hill journey through very rough terrain and YOU are learning one of the biggest learning experiences concerning the state of apathy today in what is so fictitiously called a 'civilized society.' It is only as civilized as a massive rat race to the top of a husk (of a fallen body) to feast and drink upon the last drops of blood remaining. This is the same society that YOU do not fit in, that YOU have tried to escape and break free from physically (more than once), and that YOU have sought acceptance and love from. Are you being rewarded now, punished or trained for something even more complex and challenging? Keep asking questions. In the questions, ye shall find ye answers.

Those influenced by this societal chaos  depend (moment to moment) on the droplets of energy that can be located inside this cage (grid) of this world (feeding the many with bleeding open wounds). Many may have tempted YOU back to this land of 'enchanting enslavement' only to forget about YOU the moment you were in need. YOU (may) now understand more clearly than EVER that someone or something in spirit realm is training YOU for something.  YOU have to be ready to progress forward and leave certain things behind forever. If YOU fall/fail now, the masses of rats will run over YOUr body, even those that asked YOU when YOU would return to the cage upon YOUr escape from it. They will drink of YOUr blood if required to do so for their own survival. Ye shall know them by their fruits.

All the masses wanted was YOUr energy in the city again because YOU had a effect while YOU were here influencing the collective consciousness and they remember that and care about that but little else. YOUr light is also candy for those that know how to feed upon it (directly and indirectly). Like Neo in the matrix, you must make it to the next phone call, the next lesson in this life in order to rid YOU of 'that which haunts' you in this current paradigm or program called this human experience. This experience in reality is giving YOU a great many things to think about and YOU know this to be true. Keep following the 'white rabbits' of this world (syncronicity/inner guidance) and YOU will find your ways to the next steps at the appropriate moments.

YOU suspect (rightfully so) that YOUr experience as a mammalian is going through a massive change or metamorphosis and that YOU are creating your own upgrades in yourself when YOU are able to overcome and override YOUr own physical impulses to slave away to pleasure YOUr senses to a point of oblivion. Perhaps there is a great strength that comes when YOU abstain from the fleeting distractions of the mind (and body) when YOU are surrounded by a community of energy parasites that live their entire lives chasing pleasure and fleeting experiences (moment to moment) that simulate happiness through external things that come and go (as long as the being does what is required by others to receive whatever it is that they are feeding on). As long as YOU can abstain from following the poor examples of others seeking out fleeting transitory-short termed-sensory based-happiness. 

As long as YOU seek the truth, YOU are on the road to self freedom, self mastery, self understanding and so many other virtues that come about through self discipline. Remember also that living a life based on a philosophy that involves the idea of 'service to others' will serve YOU in the end, even if not in this lifetime. This is also known as preparing for the future by helping people out in the now. This is a cosmic form of soul insurance, you are insuring your growth forward. Helping others can be as simple as using your own abilities and energies to be a conduit for change and truthful information and ideas (to the best of your ability). As Orwell said, “In world of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.” To follow the mass way of responding to YOUr kind of situation (gross self pity and or abuse) is to learn nothing from the experience itself.

YOU know this and why YOU are not going out (like the others) that see their situation as a reason to either end their own lives slowly (through substance addition) or quickly (through an act of suicide) or through other forms of aggression onto others. YOU see the value in sharing YOUr experience because it's healing, educating, and so much more. Not all the reasons are clear as to why YOU should share YOUr experiences with others , but the reasons 'why' are there and they are profoundly important to realize. Those that send YOU signals that YOU are not to share your experiences and truth are not YOUr friends or allies or working with a clear channel whatsoever. Be on the lookout for archonically inspired agents of this matrix (those inspired by unseen dark influences) that repeat to you lies about yourself and the greater world at large. (Forgive them father for they know not what they do or what spirit they channel). 

YOU know that YOU are never going to look at things the same way again. This experience has changed YOU. This experience has made YOU stronger. And this experience is meant to be shared with the world, especially those in this world that have never had to live without or rely on their sexual appeal (or other forms of influence or persuasion) in order to feed themselves or be accepted by the members of the so-called 'civilized society' through some form of socially acceptable behavioral and/or belief system conformity.

Society today resembles a machine powered by human energy and sacrifice of one's soul for money, one of the many tools of the god (small g) of this world. Meanwhile the greater GOD (the true creator) of this universe has built in defaults coded into this matrix that YOU have the power to break if YOU follow the clues and syncronicities that appear (at random) to YOU, seemingly from out of nowhere and by 'accident'. They have the power to lead YOU to the truths that can help YOU free YOUrself, to pick the locks of YOUr own mind. YOU have the power to point others to similar tools that they have the option of seeking out and doors themselves that they can walk through. No one carries anyone through this fire upon the land. Each has to walk over it independently to cross through the gates of this matrix.

The truth behind this matrix (and why we still exist inside of it) exists beyond all perception of 'time' but it is a truth that must be sought individually (in each unique perception of time and place) and cannot be taught second hand. YOU can only reveal the signs, hints and clues to others as you find them and there is no limit to the quality nor quantity. In YOUr honest attempt to help others with YOUr information and understands, YOU help and free YOUrself from the clutches of this world.

The way of the gnostic transcends all time and space.

Thank you for reading and there is more coming soon to this blog. To donate, please visit and enter “ That is my paypal ID. Please inquire via email if you would care to use a mailing address to send cash or a check. Please keep me informed of job or shelter options as they open up or projects that I might find interesting. Let me know if you would like to help out in other ways. Feel free to leave your other comments down below. You can also subscribe to this blog so you get further blog updates sent to your email. Thank you for reading.  

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Introduction to my Homelessness Experience

Alex Ansary

 May 18, 2014


 In mid March of this year, I returned to Portland, Oregon and have been homeless ever since. Although there have been a few friends (here and there) whose homes I have temporarily stayed in, for the most part I am living in the back of my truck (under a canopy). I am currently living a urban survival adventure that is worthy of it's own documentation (both in video and written form) and there are many tales to tell. But Unfortunately, there are some people that do not welcome hearing a honesty account of true struggle in America today. People are busy with their own lives and their own fears to be bothered with the (ongoing) nightmare of another. And the lack of affordable housing for countless Americans (and humans) is an issue worldwide. Despite all the challenges I have faced not only recently, but throughout my entire life, I have chosen to seek out (to the best of my current ability) what it is that I have to learn from these experiences. For I believe that we experience what we experience for a reason.

 The question 'WHY' is a question that is not often clear to anyone at the time the experience is being experienced. I do not believe that the world is a series of random events without any meaning whatsoever and in my own life I have seen enough clear patterns to suggest to me that the intense changes that I have experienced in my life is actually an advanced form of training for my soul's evolution.

 As I type, I come to you from a library in SE Portland where the wi fi levels are extremely high. I have never seen higher upload speeds to youtube in my life. Therefore, I may have to limit my exposure to places where there are hi wi fi levels. But in that case why am I even back in Portland? It is clear on so many levels that I am going to have to override the psychic interference that I feel if I am to be successful communicating messages of truth. That is my goal. That is has been my lifestyle for some time. That is my spiritual practice. Telling the truth to the best of my abilities and facing the social backlash without giving up.  Because all this comes down to my ability to hold it together long enough in order to resume production of 'Outside the Box TV.' And to do that, I need to upgrade my abilities to focus my attention on my work while tuning out the many distractions that surround me. This current situation I find myself in has demanded of me a sense of self refinement (or self mastery) that is capable of co-existing in a matrix or system of control while (at the same time) speaking out against it's existence regardless of the social consequence of standing too far from the mass way of perceiving reality.

 I am partially a living example of what can happen when you step outside the box of social conformity. After all, I have returned to a city that was my home for a long time, a city where I communicated my messages of truth for 6 years (2005-2011). Obviously the work that I did is not considered worthy enough for others to help me find shelter or work. The very best most have done is ask me If I have checked here or gone there or talked to so and so.  People find ways to assume I deserve this experience or am not trying 'hard enough.' We will address that mentality another time. Very little "direct" suggestions, offers, and absolutely no concrete off the grid communities that seem to be open and flourishing that are within reach.

Portland is a very dark place when you are in the shoes that I am in now and you are left in the streets for dead (so to speak). But I am not dead. And I'm not worried about dying. And I have plans to take my show to the next level come July 2014. That is the expected time frame for my my weekly series to resume on PCMTV (Portland Community Media aka Portland cable access). I have to make it to that point and beyond. I came back for this. I have a vision for where I want to take the show. I am very much here in the moment, the present, the here and now. However, the story must be told one day about what I have faced in my life and how i have chosen to react to the things that I have experienced and what i have learned about myself as well as the world.  I am motivated to help others that have been in similar experiences, are in similar experiences, or possibility will be. Which brings us back to the issue of homeless in America today...

My experience and observations need to be shared and documented not only because I will show how I get through this (or try to) but also to share my perspectives on the gross imbalances and social injustices of this world as I now have to look at it more close up than I am normally accustomed to when i have shelter to retreat to for a moment of solitude.   Therefore, I am very passionate about communicating what I am seeing in the written form regardless of how the stories and experiences shared are received by some readers.

At some times, it's sensory overload to be so public, especially in a city like Portland with people moving every which way to gather their resources to rent their space and entertain their senses when they are allowed a break from the hunt.  And some people are very good and getting your attention and creating distraction whether they intend it or not.  As I type to you now, there is a man across the table in this very small library. He is loud with his papers, he breathing heavily over and over again,  and he is standing up as he organizes his papers and he is walking back and forth...back and forth. I can recall thousands of accounts like this over the years, especially in a city like Portland, more than anywhere else in fact that I have resided. The over bearing, over expressive, over boastful behavior at times is just too much and in your face.  The smells, the sounds, the feelings, the vibrations, the sensations, the gut feelings, the intuition, the sixth sense...whatever you want to call it, it's heightened for me in places like Portland, Oregon. In fact for others, I believe this is a place can have a effect on our collective psychic nature so our thoughts are bouncing off of each other in some fairly strong ways, at least this is how I have perceived things here for some time.  Watch what happens when I look at most people. Most turn around confused and look back with concern.

This heightened sensitivity of energy (and sometimes thoughts of others) results in the picture (the state of society) that I am looking at is more clear than ever before. If I am ungrounded, then I am having a more difficult time managing the massive wave of insights and ideas that come faster that I can write and document them. That is a very general expression for an experience that is much more complex to describe. I am seeking to turn this ability, this gift into something that serves me more than something that hinders or isolates me from society.  As for the man of distraction that I have dedicated a few sentences to writing about, he just asked me if I would be leaving soon because he wanted me to watch his bag while he went to the bathroom. Upon looking at his eyes I could see that perhaps he was heaving heavily and moving around erratically because he was under the influence of some kind of 'upper' substance. Around every corner and at every table there seems to be some energy or entity that wants to reach out and have a connection with me. However, it's not always a good one and sometimes results in being very distracted from I'm doing.

In time, I am going to write much more about my experiences living in my truck. It's not easy for anyone to live a life constantly distracted by moving cars, loud people and other sounds especially for one group over all groups...the homeless (or those with no home or base to go to to escape the noise). For this group that some consider a sub human group (that they believe didn't try hard enough to make it in this world), there are distractions everywhere that are difficult to escape from. Also, the sense of alienation from society can be deadly if not kept in the proper context. I will address this danger in a future blog post. 

Now we see (even more closely) how the luxury of having one's own place and space keeps someone in line within society because of the dependency on a job (or relationship or other) and a minimum level of social acceptability in order to be considered for work (or romance). This is also a larger conversation and at times it can be determined by sex, age, color or other depending on the social norms of the given environment in question.  For most, one's own space is something that people guard very closely (understandably so) even if they themselves do not own the space they believe is their's and even if they themselves could be one paycheck away from a world without a place of privacy to return to each night and sleep, shower, or prepare food themselves within a modern kitchen. It is clear to see that the modern day slave system is maintained by this basic human desire (some say and believe need) to have a space of their own.  Even if a human will never own the space they pay rent on, they may still dedicate a great deal of their time towards gathering money or resources to pay for that space. Or they may spend a great deal of their time trying to find ways to gather money and resources to keep what they have or to rise out of the average homeless situation which today usually involves sleeping on the streets, in a car, or at a friends house, usually on their couch, in their garage, or in a tent in the backyard. It usually does not involve off the grid living or a community of homeless people working together towards a common goal. On the contrary, it seems to involve a sense of dependency on the grid or resources that can be found within or near it.

These thoughts are not new for me, in fact they are simply the latest incarnation on my thoughts musing upon the growing poverty crisis by design in this country (and beyond).  My stay in Colorado between late 2012 and September 2013 gave me plenty of time to think about just how free it felt to be so far removed from society and yet how strange I found it that few others felt the willingness to visit such a place, so far from a dense population center, places where so many are competing for more and more expensive spaces to enjoy only on a month to month basic (for the great majority of the world and every reader of this post). As strange as I found that, what is stranger is that I returned this city knowing the possibility that I would be returning to the same abject poverty that i tried to escape from multiple times. Specifically a city that I told myself I would never return to without a home or a job waiting for me. I did it anyways and this I reflect on often. Why did I do it? Why am I really here?

What was the point of hundreds of people asking me when I would return to Portland? Where are they now? Isn't this strange? What next?

What is the next step? Where do I go? How do I keep it together? How do I keep going?

I believe this is happening for a reason (it has been for some time) at that at some point my situation will change. I believe I am to document my perceptions and feelings on society, at least as many as I can recall and express with common sense and simple language. I am also struggling to find the words to detail the experience when overwhelmed with the  emotions that are stirred up as I write, in particular a sense of hopelessness, despair, embarrassment, or self consciousness in relation to my writing, posts, and the subsequent reactions from uniformed, naive, and/or sheltered people that are living the arm chair intellectual psychologist lifestyle that enjoy giving poor advice that was not solicited. I work to override the things that keep me back from sharing the whole story as it unfolds.

What I do know is that I have contributed to this society (and community) for the greater good and I am a a walking life example of how a society can reject and turn their back on someone that for whatever reason, inherited the title of "homeless person."

The library is closing now. I am going to pack my things up and prepare to head for the park where I park my truck. IT is now raining.  It is there that I will continue writing in a notepad as well as reading a fairly large book by a certain well known author. You see, when I see others explain this complex reality in a spiritual and simple way and when the message resonates, I am re-inspired to tap into the inner writer within me that understands that the ticket to my own souls evolution is in direct relation to my ability to share it with others for the greater good of all, not my own personal gain. Until next time...

Saturday, October 05, 2013

My website is

I understand that an older article of mine entitled "Mass Mind Control Through Network TV" is being posted around the web. I originally wrote that in 2005. You can follow me and my work at the following places: website: YouTube Channel: facebook page/news feed: Personal facebook page: Twitter: I am currently looking for volunteers to help with a few things and I hope to have a email newsletter sign up option before the month of October is over. Stay tuned for Outside the Box, 2.0 a weekly half hour news program I will soon be producing.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

It's been some time since I've seriously blogged my thoughts - 11/3/10

It has been some time since I have seriously applied my energy towards WRITING and it is now time that I take the time to log some of my observations of this strange home of mine here on planet EARTH.

As we go through these intense, wild, and trans-formative times we each are beginning to see and experience the world through (what seems) to be a whole new set of eyes. As we look forward to moving into our higher selves and becoming the change that we want to see, we must also remember the tricks and deceptions that lie behind many of the doors of reality.

The greatest prison we will ever live in is the prison of what others think about us-David Icke

There are times in our lives in which we are the verge of a massive alteration and upgrade in our ABILITY to consciously affect our reality directly. Yet for some reason or another those times in our lives in which we are on the CUSP of creating something GRAND are the times in which we often face the greatest obstacles in our paths. Sometimes we even trip....HARD...sometimes hurting ourselves, sometimes we are wearing a HELMET for the occasion.

It's not just objects in our paths that must be removed, but programmed tapes and OPERATING SYSTEMS in our minds that we ourselves have to intently remove, discard, and disappear into the night. Right into the the BLACK VAN.

Many of us have now reached the TRUTH that no matter what, we are constantly creating our reality on some level. In the awareness of that, we have to truthfully examine how we got to where we are this moment...whether we view our current reality as something POSITIVE or NEGATIVE. We are talking about the deeper realms of awareness that require a fierce soldier of the light that not only has no fear of the systems of control, but ALSO no fear or HESITATION in seeing what has to change within in order to operate at a higher level of existence on this plane of reality.

The next several years are going to bring enormous challenges and SUCKER PUNCHES in a seemingly infinite number of ways....How we ride this wave, this TSUNAMI, this current, this cycle is determined highly on our ability to flow with each experience. Of course, we have to be PRESENT to do that and catch and accept the blessings that the universe is trying to get us. We are in for a wild ride - EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US. We shall take special care to block out whatever energies , distractions, or forces of DARKNESS that may be inhibiting our expansion, potential sight and use of our BRAIN in this time -space reality.

There is a time and a place for every conversation, every friendship, and every idea to be spread about the land. (This is also important when it comes to understanding the necessity of remaining non attached to the moment which is constantly changing.) We have now reached this point on the mountain top and we can see clearly the rolling hills and valleys around us comprising of a seemingly endless row of homes, shopping centers, streets, and cars going somewhere... YET we wonder if the drivers inside those very cars have any idea where their own lives are going...or how they are going to get there.

But beyond what we see on the surface, the years of research we have done and things we have PERSONALLY experienced show us what is coming towards our neighborhoods, cities, and towns. WE SEE and FEEL the very presence of the timeless DARK army amassing their powers and plotting their attack through indirect and direct means to weaken and blunt our society into a new and highly technologically advanced form of human slavery ever known in the history of our currently civilization (according to recorded HISTORY that is...).

A primary KEY is seeing beyond the depth of planning on the part of global elite, and seeing into the portal of knowledge/walking through the doorway our our destiny into the reality which is rightful ours to experience in THIS LIFETIME if we do what we were meant to do when we agreed to come to this planet at this point in time, the most amazing time to be alive.

There is no more time to wait. You must begin to align with the path that you are supposed to be on very soon in order to bypass a series of very difficult lessons. My lesson at this time points directly to bypassing the running reality that I'm not going to be able to reach everybody that I want to reach and that is the way it is supposed to be where we are all here to make our own decisions and learn from the effect of WHAT WE CAUSED. For now, I focus my attention and awareness on some of the most open and inquisitive group of humans I have ever come across.


And this is why it's so important that you take the information that applies to you and use it to expand your consciousness and in short SAVE YOUR ASS. It is time you stood up and took back your own life into your own hands before the real hardships begin in this country. Lets be very clear. These are still the good times and they are rolling. For those that think this is the end of the game that's been played on us..YOU HAVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING.

Ill be aiming to continue to provide some food for thought from time to time outside of random facebook posts that lack the space to express the depth of what needs to be expressed. You will be seeing and hearing more from me at,, and STAY TUNED FOR MORE.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Help get back online!

Hello everyone. I have gotten several notices and emails concerned about my website being down and my videos being unavailable to easily find. No, the government is not censoring me. However I have a greater concern that perhaps several of you will be able to help me with....

As most of you know, I lost my job last year and since then have still been moving around constantly in order to survive. This means that keeping my website up has become more challenging and since i was not able to make the yearly fee in time, my service ended. The site has been down about a month and a half.


I know that most of you on myspace are in the same situation, however there is a very small minority here that can afford to chip in a few dollars to keep shows like the Outside the Box on the air and on the web so others can access the information easily although I never stopped uploading the show onto That's because of my dedication. I started this show with nothing, and as it looks...I'll continue to do this show with nothing at least for the time being UNTIL I get a film produced that I feel is worthy enough for global distribution.

But as long as I operate without any capital, my ability to reach a certain amount of people and keep my site up is slightly hindered. Sadly, many out there assume I have just given up and don't do the show anymore. Its so appalling to think that so many would assume something like that without emailing me to verify that.

Instead of answering each inquiry one by one, I thought I would send out this bulletin to let you know that I need your help getting my site back online. There are other things I need help with as I still face other harsh realities of in the near future but I wont detail all the different ways . For now I ask you to consider how important getting my website back online is, rather than assuming someone else is going to help in assisting to get the site up. Please help make a difference.

Its not problem if you do NOT have a paypal account. It understandable. This is why I have a PO Box although only bills i can't pay end up in it. Next time you are at the grocery store, you can easily purchase a MONEY ORDER and that can easily be sent to the PO BOX. The mailing address is:

PO BOX 12743
Portland, Oregon 97212

You can still catch the TV show here in the meantime as well as other additional video clips I produce:

And I can still be heard on

PS! I have a couple of weeks that are opening up where I hope to take a vacation in rural Oregon or Washington or Idaho or all of the above. Any ideas? Anyone with a plot of land?

thanks for taking the time to read this.

My email is

Alex Ansary